Roller Coaster Ride

This is how my life has felt this week.  Emotionally, it's like I'm in some sort of free fall.  Then just when I'm at my lowest, I'll watch video of Little E, hear his sweet voice, and remember what it felt like to snuggle him and up the other side I go.

Almost everyone in line in  front of us for embassy dates found out that they got the January date.  So exciting!  That means we *should* be in line for the next one, which is February 8.  We won't know for a couple of weeks and it's possible that someone behind us will get to jump ahead.  That's just how this process works.  We have our flights picked out and are ready to book as soon as we get the word.

Justin laughs because he says I'm nesting.  The house hasn't been this clean in a long time, cabinets and drawers are cleaned out, and E's clothes are washed [twice because it's so fun to do little boy laundry again!] and ready to go.

I made a photo book for E's birth father and that was very emotional.  It was hard to decide what to put in it.  I ended up with lots of pics of E, a few of the fab four, and some of us with E.  I kept thinking that this might be the only tangible thing that he has from his son and I wanted to make it special for him.

We found out yesterday that E was moved to a new care center after Christmas.  My heart is sick thinking that he's had a big transition and is facing another one very soon.  I cannot wait for this process to be over.  It feels like that desperation at the end of a pregnancy, except that my baby is halfway around the world and I cannot know that he's safe and cared for.  I mean, I do know that.  Our agency rocks and the nannies love the kids.  But a mama's love is different and I need him here.  Maci is getting very impatient to meet him and has started asking to go on the plane with me.  Really wish I could take her along, but I don't know if I could handle two three year olds on little sleep for 36 hours of travel.  I might end up in a padded cell.

I started the kids back to school this week.  It was kind of bumpy, but I think we're back in the groove now.  I'm trying to enjoy this lull before we have a fifth child and baseball and soccer start back up.  We're focusing on lots of good family time.  Tonight we played a card game for hours with Cade and Tatum and had a blast.  I love that they're old enough now to do stuff like that!  Thanks, Esping's, for teaching us how to play Nirtz... Nurtz... Nertz???

Maci is asking for cuddles, so I'm going to just break this post off and go get my snuggles!  Can't wait till I have two three year olds to love on!