Cinco

Today is a day I dread arriving.  Last November, Angie and I found out we were expecting our fifth child, who we had nicknamed Cinco.  We were very excited, but only told a few people.

Things were going well as Christmas approached.  On December 22, as is our tradition, we had our family Christmas celebration before traveling to Clovis for the big event.  Typically, we go out to eat at a nice restaurant for lunch (usually at Olive Garden), then return home to open presents and relax for the rest of the day.

We decided to tell the kids about Cinco as a Christmas surprise, or more specifically, I decided we should and Angie gave in.  They were so excited to be welcoming in a new addition to our family.  We had a joyous meal and discussed the new baby a lot.  Then we headed home to open presents.

Maci fell asleep in the car on the way home, so I sat with her for a few minutes after we got home while we tried to decide whether to wake her up to open presents or let her sleep while the other kids waited.  Meanwhile, Angie went in to the restroom.  She returned with a grim look on her face and told me she was bleeding.

My first thought was "Lord please no."  We'd been down this road four times before, twice it ended in miscarriage.  Angie and I didn't know what to do, so we let the kids open their presents and hoped it would go away, but it didn't.  We spent all night at the ER, knowing there was nothing that could be done, but praying for something.  The doctor told us he detected a heartbeat, but the hCG levels were low.  We didn't let our hopes get to high, but at least we knew thought was a chance.

Angie spent the next day resting, but the bleeding continued.  On Christmas Eve, we headed to Clovis for the big, family Christmas.  When we got there, Angie told her parents what was going on.  We went through the motions of Christmas Eve festivities for the kids.  Poor Angie was so strong through the evening.  She didn't let on to anyone what we were going through.

The next morning Angie got in the tub because she was cramping badly.  I sat with her because we knew what was happening.  She was losing the baby on Christmas Day, just three days after we told the kids and had that happy lunch.  Sure enough, the baby was "delivered" in the tub at about 8 weeks gestation.  The embryo was about the size of a grape. We could make out the major parts through the sac.  We could see the outline of the head, the back bone and a little black spot that was the heart.

We held Cinco in our hands and cried for several minutes.  Then I went forward with one of the hardest days of my life.  I started with telling my father-in-law and watched as tears welled up in the eyes of the strongest man I know.  Then I told my mother-in-law and the kids.  I held the kids in my arms and cried with them.  Then I called my mom and told her the situation.  It was easier to tell her over the phone than to look her in the eye.  She knows the pain.  She's been down this road too.

I took the kids to breakfast at my mom's house, then back to the in-laws for lunch and then to my dads for dinner.  Throughout the day I put on my happy face, took pictures and tried to avoid ruining Christmas for the kids.  No one in the family knew about the pregnancy, so I had to tell each person about the situation as the arrived.  Each time, I had to go through the shock again, but still hold it together.  Angie was a wreck.  I don't think she remembers anything from that bath until Kierstyn's birthday on the 27th.  Even then, the next week is pretty sketchy.  I vaguely remember going to a New Year's Eve party at a friends house.

I tell this story now because today is Cinco's due date.  The due date is the second hardest day of the miscarriage because you can't help but think about what might have been.  But it is also when you can start putting the tragedy behind you and begin to heal.  Obviously, Christmas day will always be hard, just like Thanksgiving. We had our first miscarriage in 2001 on the day before Thanksgiving.

On this day, I choose to honor God because through this tragedy God has begun a mighty work in our lives.  This tragedy set us on the path to Little E.  See God wanted us to have another child, but he already had a child in mind for us.  Angie and I made the decision to try for another baby in August, 2009.  This is exactly when Little E entered the orphanage.  God had already delivered our next child to us as soon as we decided we were going to add to our family.  He knew this little boy needed a family and he began working on our hearts.

As we began our adoption journey, Angie prayed that the baby we would adopt would be born near Cinco's due date (at the time we were looking to adopt a baby).  Little E's birthday is August 9th.  Our God is mighty, powerful and yet personal.  He knew exactly how to send us the message that Little E was our child and he had planned for it well in advance.

Lord, today I choose to trust you with my life.  I choose to trust you with my family.  Lord, you have cared for me in the past.  You fulfill my daily needs in the present and I choose to trust you with my future.

There is no better song for moments like these.  If you don't know the story of this song, look up Horatio Spafford and "it is well with my soul."




-- Justin