After we delivered Meals on Wheels on Wednesday, we had lunch at Sam's Club. Then we walked over to get a basket to do our shopping. But in the process of shepherding five kids, my slow little Ethiopian got behind. Now, I knew where he was and what was happening. This is a common occurrence. He's the biggest slowpoke this side of the Mississippi. I went on a few steps ahead so I could see the kid I sent for a basket while I waited for him. But, Eyob lost sight of me. He stopped, looked all around, went in a circle, and I watched expecting distress as I prepared to call out to him, thinking he would be terrified to be alone and separated from us. But instead, he kind of shrugged and strutted off in the opposite direction. No worry, no fear. It was extremely disheartening and I've felt kind of beat down ever since. Seems like he was thinking - oh well... on to the next thing....
Then at church on Sunday, he daddy shopped like nobody's business. He went from man to man as I politely tried to disengage him from situation after situation. Of course, the week I forget to bring my Ergo in, he's acting like he did three months ago. Climbing all over every man he sees. Ugh.
Combine that with his renewed fear of dogs, bedtime, and bubble baths and I think we have regressed at least two months. I know it's a process and I'm certainly not upset at him. I just wish I could understand what goes on in his head and what more I can do to help him integrate into his new life.
This attachment stuff is a heartbreaking business. Thanks for talking about it.
ReplyDeleteAngie, I think you're doing an amazing job! We dealt with Aregash climbing/going to every man also. And maybe it's just cause the women were a little more perceptive...knowing that a new child should be with their mommy, whereas the men would scoop her up and she didn't fight it. I had to start telling people and keep reminding her that when we don't "know" someone we don't "get up"....or "no up" is what we used right away. As she got more vocal she was able to express to people that she wanted down--"no up please". And now she will ask permission (from me)if she would like someone to hold her. She definitely aims to please me so I'm not sure if she really doesn't want to be held by the stranger or if she knows it isn't okay with me. I had to make a rule: if she can say their name without reminder than she remembers the person and "knows" them...then she can be held by them. But I am still very careful about the affection part the she gives/receives and we (at almost 6 months) are still connecting, so I don't allow it. It's soo hard to know what's okay and what's not and I think sometimes we have to feel around and see what feels right for our families. We want other people to love them and for them to be loved, but until our attachment is secure it can't happen (speaking for myself). It's really hard to keep a constant watch when out in public, but I guess it is all part of it in the beginning. And it DOES get better. I really think it's okay to share with people where you're at and what you expect, but it does get tiring. Keep your chin up--I'll be praying for you!!
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